Listen, mothers are great. I love mine. But why do they always wake up in the most fucked up mood? Does the thought of them coming downstairs in the morning with mascara all over their face to see their family piss them off that much? What in the world transpires in their heads between the bedroom and the kitchen?

The reason why your kids are so inclined to wake up extra early on Mother’s Day and make breakfast is to shut you the fuck up. They’re tired of seeing you so miserable and groggy every morning.

That said, you can’t have breakfast in bed every morning. So moms, the next time you wake up, hit the shower, put some makeup on, pull yourself together and then go see your family. Kids hate seeing their parents miserable in the morning. It sets their mood for the day and gives them a frightening glimpse into their miserable future.

If any 8 year olds read this post, make these pancakes for your mom. She might even crack a smile. They’re so good.

Ricotta Pancakes
1 1/4 Cups Flour
1/4 Cup Ricotta Cheese
1 Egg
1 Cup Milk
1/4 Cup Sugar
1/4 Teaspoon Vanilla Extract
1 Teaspoon Baking Powder
1 Teaspoon Baking Soda
1/4 Cup Vegetable Oil
1 Lemon Zest
Pinch of Salt

Put all of the ingredients in a blender and blend for 30 seconds until the batter is smooth.

Let the batter stand at room temperature for 30 minutes.

Heat a pan on medium-low heat.

Brush some vegetable oil on the pan, do not use butter, and pour some of the batter.

Cook for about 1 minute or until the edges are cooked and the pancake is covered in air bubbles. Flip, cook for another minute.

http://www.saporedeimobili.com/project.html

Oprah goes to India and Orders a Cheeseburger!

This cooking process will give you a juicy medium-well burger. Again, it depends on how large you make the patty, but try one and experiment. Shorten the cooking times if you want your meat more rare.

1/2 Pound Ground Chuck
1/2 Pound Ground Sirloin
1/2 Teaspoon Salt
1/2 Teaspoon Black Pepper
1/2 Teaspoon Onion Powder
2 Tablespoons Softened Butter

At a diner, the question that sends shivers down my spine is “which dressing would you like?” And of course the asshole I’m always with asks “what do you have?” Really? It’s the same as every other diner since the beginning of time. The nice Greek man will always respond “Blue Cheese, Thousand Island, French, Oil and Vinegar or Ranch. Quite the selection Socrates. And it’s always they always pick Ranch.

Something about Ranch dressing turns me off. I don’t like to order it, see it or be with anyone eating it. I look down on people that eat it. It just reminds me a white trash or the 80’s. Does anyone else feel this way?

I must say though, if you make your own, I promise you that it really is one of the best dressings you can have. So delicious. I was surprised when I started making it.

½ Cup Mayonnaise
½ Cup Sour Cream
¼ Cup Buttermilk (more or less)
½ Teaspoon Salt
¼ Teaspoon Black Pepper
1 Teaspoon Lemon Juice
1 Garlic Clove Minced
2 Tablespoons Chopped Fresh Dill

Combine all the ingredients and refrigerate for 1 hour.

For me, the ’90s in New York City were all about Wendy Williams, Diddy, Biggie, SWV, Total and fried chicken. I went to high school in the Bronx and lived in Manhattan (the reverse commute was amazing). In the Bronx I ate at Kennedy Fried Chicken and in Manhattan it was Kentucky Fried Chicken. Hip-hop was blowing up about the same time I had my second encounter with racism. The first time I was on the dishing end; I had missed my stop on the 4 train headed uptown and flipped out that the next stop with 125^th street. There’s nothing scarier than a white kid screaming on the train “OMG, they’re going to kill me! I need to get back below 86^th street!” I was 12, so my ignorance was comical for the other passengers. The second time, I was leaving my apartment building and one of my doormen called me a “wigger.” At that moment I knew what it felt like to be a black man in the ’50s. How can he judge me? Needless to say, my dad had his ass shipped right back to Puerto Rico.

Anyway, being a poor, part-time inner-city kid, my budget was very limited and I ate a lot of fried food. Fried chicken, fried fish, french fries, etc… So when I saw Wendy talk about fried chicken that way, I couldn’t believe it. I feel that most kids now don’t even know about that stereotype. Still, I know what it’s like to be judged (by my doorman, of all people). So, I feel her. But I think it’s time to move past that and eat up some chicken on air. It’s OK to be black and like fried chicken, no one cares anymore.

Mary J. Blige just had her commercial for Burger King pulled, thanks TMZ, and what does that mean? Big deal, she’s black and likes chicken.

http://www.tmz.com/2012/04/04/mary-j-blige-burger-king-chicken-ad/?adid=hero2

Wendy Williams (Inspired) Fried Chicken

Buttermilk
Salt
Black Pepper
Lemon Juice
2 Teaspoons Dried Thyme
Chicken Parts
Vegetable or Peanut Oil
Flour
Eggs

In a large bowl, add your chicken pieces, buttermilk, lemon, the salt and pepper. Cover and refrigerate overnight. It’s hard to say how much to use, but use enough salt and pepper to sprinkle the chicken and the juice of 3 lemons and enough buttermilk to cover the chicken.

The next day, fill a pan halfway with oil. Heat over medium heat until it reaches 375 degrees.

While the oil is heating up, rinse the chicken and let air dry for 15 minutes.

Take 2 clean bowls add flour, thyme, some salt and pepper in one and beat a couple of eggs in other.

Do this in batches of 3 pieces at a time. Dip the chicken in the eggs, then the flour and carefully place in the oil. Keep the temperature of the oil between 320 and 340 degrees while cooking the chicken.

Cook for 8 minutes on each side, remove and let sit for 5 minutes before serving.

If you need to wait awhile before serving, place the chicken on a wire rack and put in the oven at 200 degrees until all of your chicken has finished cooking.

The Stem

This isn’t true, it’s cheaper than liposuction

Ben Kaufman and his Weight Loss Secret – Quirky

Chef Sleeve

Nothing says, “Hi, I hate your guts” like these cookies. They look beautiful, are perfectly cooked, sweet, crispy and taste like shit. I love giving these to people I hate. Sometimes I bring in a batch to work and leave them in the kitchen.

I was hosting a party a few years ago that got out of control. My friend Liria decided to take the gifts my roommate had bought for her family and handed them out to my guests as if she had bought them herself. I had to go to each person and take the gift back and put it back under the tree. My guests were not happy. After the huge commotion, I heard a loud knock on my door. I open it and it’s my next-door neighbor. She said we were being too loud. I just slammed the door in her face; I mean it was a Saturday night.

The next day, I kind of felt bad about slamming the door on my neighbor. I decided to make her some cookies. Well, to be honest I made myself cookies first and decided to make her a few, but her batch had a few extra tablespoons of salt. I knocked on the door and I said “Hi, sorry for last night, I got carried away”. She was so nice and I was kind of feeling bad holding these cookies in my hand. She took the plate and then started lecturing me about respecting my neighbors. She expressed that I should recycle, not slam my door, not blast rap music, this bitch was out of control. All of a sudden, the guilt started to disappear and I smiled from ear to ear as she continued with her lecture. She slammed the door in my face right before I could tell her that I can hear her farting in the bathroom through the window. Oh well. Bon appetite.

These cookies are amazing. If you like the person make the recipe below, if you hate them, make the Fuck You version and just add 3 Tablespoons of salt.

Not seen on Goop

Her earliest memories of Brooklyn were exploring bodegas, restraining herself from outsmarting the men playing “guess which bottle cap the ball is under” and trying to figure out what that smell creeping out of her neighbors’ door was.

Her neighbors were a new race of people she had never seen before. As she once described to me, “they were black, but not that black black. They wore bright-colored robes with gold and they had red dots on their heads.” Obviously they were from India and “that smell” coming out of their apartment was curry. Anyone who has ever been in a NYC cab or visited Jersey City knows exactly to what she is referring to.

The smell was too strong for her newly Americanized nose, so she banned curry, saris and Punjabi MC from our home for 30 years. It wasn’t until a recent trip to the “International” isle at the supermarket that she picked up some curry and tandoori spice and started experimenting. Not sure what inspired her; maybe she was just feeling nostalgic.

My mother came up with this great dish and I borrowed it from her. The only addition I made was the coconut milk. It makes the soup much softer.

All-Day Lentil, Coconut, and Curry Chicken Soup Recipe

7 to 8 Chicken Thighs
3 Tablespoons Olive Oil
1 Medium White Onion – Chopped
3 Stalks Clearly – Chopped
3 Carrots – Chopped
2 Cloves Garlic
1 Teaspoon Tandoori Spice
2 Teaspoons Curry
1 Teaspoon Coriander
1 Teaspoon Thyme
2 Teaspoons Salt
1 Teaspoon Black Pepper
2 Tablespoons Tomato Paste
2 Bay Leaves
1 1/2 Cup Lentils
2 (14oz) Cans Coconut Milk

Coat the chicken thighs in olive oil, sprinkle with salt and pepper and cook for 1 hour in a 400 degree oven. Remove and shred with a fork, removing all the bones and skin.

In a large pot set on medium heat, add the olive oil, onions, carrots and celery and cook for 12 minutes until the vegetables are soft and the onions are translucent.

Next add the garlic and cook for 1 minute.

Add the tandoori spice, curry, coriander, thyme, salt and pepper. Cook for 2 minutes, continuously stirring.

Add the tomato paste and cook for another minute.

Next add the bay leaves and lentils. Fill the pot with water until all the ingredients are submerged in the liquid.

Bring to a boil, reduce the heat to a simmer, cover and cook for 1 hour or until the lentils are soft. Keep checking and stirring every 10 minutes. If you notice the water is low, just add an extra cup of water. You might have to do this 2 or 3 times.

Once the lentils are soft, add the coconut milk and chicken and cook for another 10 minutes uncovered.

Serve as is or with rice or naan.

http://food52.com/blog/2950_lamb_meatballs_with_yogurt_sauce

Food52 Feature: My Social Chef’s Lamb Meatballs