Over the summer, a colleague invited a few of us to Ina Garten’s house in the Hamptons. My colleague didn’t realize that Ina has been my obsession for the past 7 years. Could this really be happening to me? Up until this point, Ina was just a friend in my head. I felt like a kid about to walk through his television into his favorite TV show. Was Jeffrey going to be reading his books in the study? What about all of Ina’s gays? Were they going to be in the garden making flower arrangements for us? The questions that had been running through my head for years were about to be answered.
Many parents pass down the same traditions to their children as their parents did to them. These traditions range from the meaningful (a piece of jewelry worn on your wedding day) to the absurd (putting garlic in your underwear to ward off the evil eye). Not sure why my mom thinks the cure for mental illness and diabetes is marriage, but I digress…
No no, the cake is not stupid. Seriously, I’m not trying to say anything bad about cakes. I think people who bake are stupid. How can you lock yourself in a kitchen, cook, wait, cook, wait, cook and wait all day long? It’s the most ridiculous thing ever. Whenever someone tells me they’ve baked something from scratch two things go through my head. First, I think they must have absolutely nothing better to do with their time and that they are gay.
According to the dictionary forgiving is to cease to feel resentment against an offender. To the rest of us it means letting someone think you’re not mad at him or her and then torturing them until you can’t take it anymore. Finally you curse them out and feel much better. That’s what I usually do, and I know it’s not the best thing, but I do love getting even.
Don’t you feel like trying something new once in a while when going out to eat? Sometimes it’s good to mix it up and try a new cuisine or even venture out to a new neighborhood and expand your culture. It can sometimes be intimidating not knowing how to understand the menu or seeing things that you’ve never heard of. This is the time you go out with your diverse friends.
I know it sounds gross, but these are actually amazing. I made them for a vegan/flaky friend and he never showed up to the party. This is why you can’t trust vegans, consultants or white women.
Nothing says, “Hi, I hate your guts” like these cookies. They look beautiful, are perfectly cooked, sweet, crispy and taste like shit. I love giving these to people I hate. Sometimes I bring in a batch to work and leave them in the kitchen.
